#3: When Praise Backfires: Is “Good Job” Hurting Confidence?

Introduction

I used to say “Good job!” dozens of times a day—without thinking.

Good job putting on your shoes.
Good job sharing.
Good job finishing your homework.

It felt encouraging, supportive, loving. In a city like New York, where days move fast and stress runs high, praise felt like the easiest way to connect in the cracks between subway rides and bedtime routines. But one evening, after I praised my child for a drawing, they looked up and asked, “Is it good… or are you just saying that?”

That question stopped me cold.

If praise is supposed to build confidence, why did it suddenly sound like doubt? That moment pushed me to look more closely at something we rarely question—and Punished by Rewards gave me language for the unease I couldn’t name.

Core Content: Praise as a Subtle Form of Control

Alfie Kohn makes a bold claim: praise can function like a reward. Not always—but often. Especially when it’s evaluative, automatic, or conditional.

Praise becomes problematic when it does three things:

Judges rather than notices
“Good job” evaluates. It places the adult as the authority deciding what’s worthy. Over time, children learn to look outward for validation instead of inward for satisfaction.
Shifts motivation
When kids are praised for drawing, helping, or trying, they may begin doing those things for the praise rather than for enjoyment, curiosity, or care.
Creates performance pressure
Praise can quietly communicate expectations: Repeat this. Don’t mess it up. For some children, especially sensitive or anxious ones, praise raises the stakes.

In American parenting culture, praise is often positioned as the antidote to criticism. But Kohn argues that less criticism doesn’t automatically mean more autonomy. If children feel managed—even kindly—they may become cautious, approval-seeking, or dependent on feedback.

This matters deeply in environments like U.S. schools and cities, where children are constantly evaluated. When praise mirrors grading—“Excellent work!” “You’re so smart!”—kids may start protecting the label rather than embracing learning.

Personal Story: The Drawing That Changed Everything

One Saturday afternoon in our apartment, my child spent nearly an hour drawing. Markers everywhere. Paper taped to the wall. Total immersion.

I walked by and said what I always said: “Wow, that’s amazing!”

They stopped. Looked at the drawing. Looked at me. And then—this part still stings—they put the marker down and said, “I’m done.”

Later, I asked why. The answer was quiet but clear: “I don’t think I can make it better than that.”

That’s when I realized my praise had closed the door instead of opening it. What I thought was encouragement had turned the drawing into a performance. Living in New York, I see this everywhere—kids afraid to start because they might not live up to expectations, even loving ones.

The next time, I tried something different. I said, “I notice you used a lot of blue here. What made you choose that?”

They kept drawing. Longer. Freer. Happier.

Practical Takeaways: How to Encourage Without Controlling

This isn’t about never praising your child. It’s about how and why.

Describe, don’t evaluate
Replace “Good job” with observations: “You stuck with that even when it was hard.”
Focus on process, not traits
Avoid “You’re so smart.” Try “You tried a few different ways before it worked.”
Let silence do some of the work
Not every effort needs commentary. Space allows kids to feel their own pride.
Ask reflective questions
“How do you feel about it?” shifts ownership back to the child.
Watch for approval-seeking cues
If your child constantly checks your face, it may be time to step back gently.

These changes are subtle but powerful. They tell children: Your experience matters more than my evaluation.

Conclusion: From Approval to Authentic Confidence

Praise feels loving because it often is—but love doesn’t require constant judgment. As Punished by Rewards reminds us, children grow strongest when they trust their own inner voice, not when they perform for ours.

In the next blog, we’ll tackle another uncomfortable parenting habit: Why “time-outs” and behavior charts can damage trust—and what to do instead when emotions run high.