Will Kids Do the Right Thing Without Rewards?
Introduction
This is the question parents whisper when the charts come down and the stickers disappear.
If I stop rewarding my child… will they still behave?
Will they help? Try? Care—when no one is watching?
I remember asking myself this late one night, sitting at our small kitchen table in New York, school papers spread out, the city humming outside the window. We had just decided to stop using behavior charts at home. No points. No prizes. No threats.
And honestly? I was scared.
Modern parenting already feels like walking a tightrope—between exhaustion and intention, between values and reality. Without rewards, it felt like stepping into thin air. But Punished by Rewards asks us to sit with that fear—and then gently challenges the assumption underneath it.
What if doing the “right thing” isn’t something we can control into existence?
Core Content: The Myth of Motivation Without Control
Alfie Kohn addresses one of the most persistent parenting beliefs: that children must be made to behave well. That without incentives, kids will default to selfishness, laziness, or chaos.
But decades of research—and lived parenting experience—suggest something else.
Children are not born without values. They are born relational. They care deeply about belonging, fairness, and connection. What shapes whether they act on those values isn’t rewards—it’s whether they feel trusted, respected, and understood.
Rewards create conditional morality.
I’ll do the right thing if it benefits me.
When rewards disappear, so does the behavior—not because the child is “bad,” but because the reason for acting was external all along.
Intrinsic motivation works differently. It grows when children:
Feel a sense of belonging
Have meaningful input
Understand the impact of their actions
Experience autonomy within boundaries
In U.S. culture—especially in achievement-driven cities like New York—we often confuse structure with control. But structure doesn’t require rewards. It requires relationships, clarity, and consistency.
The real question isn’t, Will my child behave without rewards?
It’s, What kind of motivation am I cultivating right now?
Personal Story: The Test I Didn’t Plan
The real test came one rainy Thursday afternoon.
I was on a work call. Dinner wasn’t started. My child was supposed to begin homework independently—something that used to require incentives.
Halfway through the call, I braced myself for conflict. Instead, I heard quiet movement. Pages turning. A pencil scratching.
Later, I asked what made them start on their own.
They shrugged and said, “I knew you were tired. And I wanted it done so we could relax later.”
No reward. No chart. No praise waiting at the end.
That moment floored me.
Living in New York, our kids grow up absorbing adult stress at a young age. I had underestimated how much my child noticed—and cared. When I removed rewards, I didn’t remove motivation. I removed interference.
That didn’t mean everything became easy. There were still hard days. Resistance. Negotiation. But something shifted. Responsibility became contextual, not transactional.
Why Rewards Can Block Moral Development
One of the most powerful ideas in Punished by Rewards is that rewards don’t just change behavior—they change how children think about behavior.
When children ask, “What do I get?” they’re not asking whether something is kind, fair, or responsible. They’re calculating.
Over time, this calculation can crowd out moral reasoning. Kids become less likely to:
Help spontaneously
Act ethically when no one is watching
Take responsibility for mistakes
Reflect on the impact of their choices
Instead, they wait for direction, evaluation, or payoff.
This is especially concerning in environments like U.S. schools, where rules are often enforced through points and consequences. At home, parents have a unique opportunity to counterbalance that system—not by removing limits, but by changing the why behind them.
Practical Takeaways: How Responsibility Grows Without Rewards
Letting go of rewards doesn’t mean hoping for the best. It means actively building internal motivation.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
Connect actions to real impact
Instead of “You earned this,” say “Your help made dinner calmer for everyone.”Invite contribution, not compliance
“We’re a team here. What needs to get done?” fosters belonging.Allow natural consequences when possible
Forgetting homework leads to a conversation—not a punishment.Model values visibly
Kids watch how we act when no one rewards us.Trust grows responsibility
When children feel trusted, they often rise to meet it.
This approach takes longer. It’s messier. It doesn’t deliver instant results. But it builds something rewards never can: character that exists even when no one is keeping score.
The Discomfort Parents Rarely Talk About
Here’s the part we don’t say out loud enough: parenting without rewards is emotionally uncomfortable.
It requires us to tolerate uncertainty. To sit with resistance. To accept that growth isn’t linear or easily measurable.
In New York especially, where efficiency is survival, this can feel countercultural. But parenting isn’t about producing well-behaved children—it’s about raising humans who can navigate the world thoughtfully.
And that kind of motivation can’t be bribed into existence.
Conclusion: Raising Kids Who Choose Well
Children don’t need rewards to do the right thing. They need relationships that make the right thing meaningful.
When kids feel connected, respected, and capable, they often choose well—not perfectly, but authentically.
In the next blog, we’ll explore a fear that often follows this realization:
If rewards and punishments don’t work long-term, what does discipline actually look like in a real, messy family?
