#8: How to Set Firm Boundaries Without Controlling Your Child
Introduction
For a long time, I thought boundaries and control were basically the same thing.
If I didn’t insist, push, or enforce, then I wasn’t really setting limits—right? That belief followed me everywhere: in the mornings when we were late for school, in grocery store aisles, during bedtime negotiations that felt endless.
Living in New York amplifies this pressure. The city moves fast. Space is tight. Schedules are packed. And when children push back, it can feel like the only way forward is to make things happen.
But somewhere along the way—especially after letting go of rewards and punishments—I realized something uncomfortable: my child wasn’t resisting boundaries. They were resisting control.
That distinction changed everything.
Core Content: Boundaries Are Not About Power
In Punished by Rewards, Alfie Kohn repeatedly returns to one idea that reshaped my understanding of parenting: children are more likely to cooperate when they feel respected, not managed.
Boundaries are essential. Children need predictability, safety, and guidance. But boundaries lose their power when they are enforced through fear, threats, or manipulation—even subtle ones.
Control says:
“I’ll make you do this.”
Boundaries say:
“This is what’s needed, and I’m here to help you through it.”
The difference may sound small, but to a child, it’s enormous.
Control focuses on outcomes.
Boundaries focus on relationships.
In U.S. parenting culture, boundaries are often confused with authority. We’re told that if children argue, resist, or feel upset, the boundary isn’t “working.” But emotions don’t mean failure. They mean the child is human.
A boundary isn’t about whether your child likes it.
It’s about whether it’s clear, consistent, and compassionate.
Why Control Backfires (Even When It Works)
Control can be effective in the short term. Kids comply. The house gets quiet. The schedule moves forward.
But over time, control teaches lessons we rarely intend:
That power matters more than understanding
That obedience is more important than honesty
That emotions should be suppressed to keep the peace
Children raised under heavy control often become either:
Highly compliant but anxious, or
Defiant and disconnected
Neither outcome builds internal responsibility.
Boundaries without control, on the other hand, teach children:
How to tolerate frustration
How to navigate limits respectfully
How to trust adults even when things are hard
These are life skills—not just parenting goals.
Personal Story: Bedtime Without Threats
Bedtime used to be my breaking point.
After long workdays and crowded commutes, all I wanted was quiet. When my child resisted bedtime, I felt my patience evaporate. I’d count down. I’d warn. I’d threaten to take things away.
It “worked.” But it left us both tense.
One night, I tried something different.
I said, calmly, “It’s bedtime. I know you don’t want to stop playing. I’m going to sit here with you while you finish.”
No countdown. No consequences. Just presence.
There were tears. Complaints. Big feelings. But I stayed. And eventually, my child moved toward bed—not happily, but willingly.
That night taught me something powerful: boundaries don’t require force when children don’t feel abandoned inside them.
Living in New York means our kids already experience constant external pressure—noise, rules, crowds. Home became calmer when boundaries felt like support, not shutdown.
What Firm Boundaries Actually Look Like
Setting boundaries without control doesn’t mean endless negotiation or giving in. It means leading with clarity and staying grounded when emotions rise.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
1. Fewer words, more certainty
Over-explaining often signals doubt. Simple statements are grounding.
“Screens are off now.”
“We’re leaving in five minutes.”
You don’t need to convince your child—just stay steady.
2. Empathy without reversal
You can acknowledge feelings without changing the boundary.
“You’re disappointed. That makes sense. The boundary stays.”
Empathy doesn’t weaken limits—it strengthens trust.
3. Consistency over intensity
Calm repetition is more powerful than raised voices.
Children learn boundaries through predictability, not volume.
4. Physical presence instead of verbal escalation
Sometimes sitting nearby is more regulating than talking.
This is especially true during transitions.
5. Repair when things go wrong
If you snap or over-control, repair matters more than perfection.
“I was too harsh earlier. I’m sorry. Let’s reset.”
That teaches accountability better than any rule.
Why Kids Push Boundaries (And Why That’s Normal)
Children push boundaries because they’re learning:
Where the edges are
Whether adults are safe
How much power they have in relationships
Pushing isn’t defiance—it’s development.
When adults respond with control, kids learn to escalate or shut down. When adults respond with calm firmness, kids learn resilience.
This matters deeply in modern parenting, where children are often over-managed and under-trusted.
Boundaries aren’t meant to shrink children.
They’re meant to hold them while they grow.
Practical Takeaways: Setting Boundaries That Build Trust
If you’re trying to move away from control, start here:
Decide boundaries ahead of time
It’s easier to stay calm when you’re not deciding in the heat of the moment.Separate feelings from behavior
All feelings are allowed. Not all behaviors are.Hold the boundary even when it’s uncomfortable
Your calm presence matters more than immediate compliance.Watch for control disguised as urgency
Ask yourself: Is this truly urgent—or am I overwhelmed?Trust the long game
Boundary-setting is cumulative. Growth shows up slowly.
You’re not raising a robot. You’re raising a person.
The New York Parenting Reality
In a city like New York, boundaries are often tested publicly—on sidewalks, subways, stores. That can make control feel tempting.
But children don’t learn emotional regulation by being managed in public. They learn it by watching how we stay grounded under pressure.
Every time you choose calm leadership over force, you’re teaching something far bigger than obedience.
You’re teaching self-respect.
Conclusion: Boundaries as an Act of Care
Boundaries are not walls. They’re guide rails.
They say: I care enough to lead you. I trust you enough to stay connected—even when it’s hard.
When rewards and punishments fall away, boundaries become one of the most loving tools we have.
In the next blog, we’ll explore another fear many parents carry quietly:
If we stop controlling our children, how do we keep ourselves from burning out in the process?
