Is it important to have a united set of parenting rules?
It is a fact that both father and mother are raised with different histories, ideologies, and goals. The way they were nurtured always differs. That’s where I’ve seen so many parents with different parenting approaches (the father has one, and the mother has another) because their upbringings differ. But how do these differences affect the kids? Let’s dive into this blog and dig deeper into this very topic.
Why have the same parenting rules/approach?
First things first- we need to know, as parents, that parenting is always a team effort; it’s not an individual task we usually do. When one parent sets parenting rules, the other must adopt them as well so that both father and mother are on the same page. I would like to share a recent incident that I witnessed to make my point clearer. INCIDENT- There was a boy, almost 3 years old, who was refusing home-cooked meals most of the time. His mother used to take him to a less-distracting part of the house and try to feed him, but he kept throwing tantrums while shouting loudly. He did this to gain his family’s attention in which he gained success all the time. The family members, including his father, became soft-hearted and took the child out of the room along with the food and took him outside to eat in a restaurant. This became a habit. Whenever something less likable was cooked at home, the child refused to eat. The mother tried a lot of recipes, and indeed the dishes were really yummy, but the son only liked a few and just ate them. The times when there would be vegetables cooked like palak, he would not eat at all and would go out with his father. We all know that eating outside frequently is a bad habit, especially from a small age, as it causes obesity, which leads to other diseases. It also hinders one’s self-esteem.
Now, what if the father had cooperated with the mother?
Yes, it would have made a great difference. The mother was already tired from cooking food and caring for the child; thus, she had no strength to make him understand. So, if the father had stepped up and made his son understand that ‘this is the only food that we all will eat,’ it would have impacted the child. Of course, it’s not a one-day process, but gradually the child will eat at home.
I hope that after reading this incident, the importance of having the same parenting rules is quite clear.
What is the one ultimate parenting rule that my husband and I have adopted?
Believe me… this one is the most essential rule which I recommend all parents to take note of. There are many others that we follow, but this one is the most important, and thus I am going to elaborate on it.
1. If one says no, BOTH no- If one parent says no to something, the other parent says no too.
Here’s how it works and what it looks like: as always, I will share my personal story of how this works to give an explicit picture and understanding of what I want to convey.
My story: just the other day, it was almost dinner time, and my son (who is 1.7 years old) wanted to have a biscuit. He asked his father, “Biscuit, please?” With lots of patience, my husband said, “ I understand you want to eat a biscuit, but not right now, as we are going to have dinner in 5 minutes.” Of course, he didn’t care much and ran towards me (mother) with the same request. Here, my first response was: “If your father said no, then it’s a no, my love.”
That’s what it means: if one no, both no.
Why it works:
· Firstly, it creates consistency and reduces confusion.
· Second, kids are smart! If one parent says no and the other says yes most of the time, they learn quickly who to go to. A united front avoids this dynamic. Sometimes, what happens here is that children tend to make one parent who says yes most of the time their favourite parent. It hinders their connection with the other parent, which isn’t good for overall personality development.
· And lastly, respecting and supporting each other’s decisions as parents is important because it models healthy communication. It avoids fights and fosters a mutual relationship while strengthening the bond between parents and between parents and their kids.
Now, the thing that can be done more often to avoid saying no unnecessarily, you can actually tell your kids, “Let me talk to your abba (dad)\ mummy (mom), and we will decide together.” This way
· You have a shared response and a good feeling.
· The children won’t argue or throw tantrums at the same moment cause even they are uncertain about the answer.
· If you are planning to give a negative answer to their request, you get time to frame a good reason for saying no to the request.
“The goal isn’t perfect agreement every time; it’s respectful collaboration that the children can feel.”
What if you don’t get the time to discuss?
Then one parent can make the decision, and the other supports it later. The point to be remembered here is- Both parents want the best for their children. That’s why the decision taken by one should be thoughtful (and of course it would be).
Now, in my case, I have a 1.7-year-old who doesn’t understand the meaning of “will discuss and tell you later.” He wants an immediate answer; otherwise, he will start screaming and crying. In such cases, what can be done? What I do is I try to soothe my child and make him understand; of course, at this age, tantrums are always on their way, but keeping ourselves calm and patient is the key.
Conclusion
By adopting this method, we realized that it’s not helpful when parents are against each other and trying to overpower each other. It just causes a lot of friction and so much uncertainty for kids. Thus, having certain joint parenting rules strengthens the bond between mom and dad. Parenting always has to be a joint partnership. This way, it is less burdensome and more enjoyable. I hope you have read the blog up to here. Please share your comments and queries. Hoping to see you soon in my next blog. Till then, HAPPY PARENTING!
