When “Good Job” Stops Working: Rethinking Rewards in Modern Parenting
Introduction
I still remember the morning I realized something felt off. We were rushing out of our New York apartment—shoes half on, backpack by the door, subway clock ticking loudly in my head—and I heard myself say, “If you get dressed right now, you’ll get a sticker.”
My child froze, looked at me, and asked, “What sticker?”
Not why getting dressed mattered. Not when we needed to leave. Just the reward.
That moment stayed with me because it revealed something uncomfortable: I wasn’t parenting toward understanding or cooperation anymore—I was negotiating. Like many thoughtful parents, I had absorbed the idea that rewards were harmless motivation tools. But what if they weren’t? What if they were quietly changing how our children relate to learning, behavior, and even us?
That question sits at the heart of Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards—and it’s where this series begins.
Core Content: The Hidden Cost of Rewards
Punished by Rewards challenges one of the most deeply ingrained assumptions in parenting and education: that rewards encourage good behavior. Gold stars, praise, screen-time incentives, treat-based bribery—these are often framed as positive alternatives to punishment. But Kohn argues something more unsettling: rewards and punishments are two sides of the same controlling coin.
At first glance, rewards seem kind. Encouraging. Supportive. But over time, they subtly shift a child’s focus away from why they’re doing something and toward what they’ll get for doing it. Instead of asking, “Is this meaningful?” children begin asking, “Is this worth it?”
In U.S. parenting culture—especially in achievement-oriented cities like New York—this plays out everywhere. Reading charts, behavior apps, classroom point systems, even “good behavior” prizes at school assemblies. The message is consistent: your actions are valuable when they earn something.
Kohn’s research-backed insight is that extrinsic motivation erodes intrinsic motivation. When children are rewarded for drawing, reading, helping, or learning, they become less likely to do those things voluntarily once the reward disappears. Even more concerning, they may stop trusting their own internal signals of curiosity, kindness, or responsibility.
This doesn’t mean children shouldn’t feel proud or appreciated. It means how we respond matters. Saying “good job” as a reflex can unintentionally end reflection. Offering rewards can shorten persistence. And tying behavior to external outcomes can reduce moral reasoning to simple transactions.
In real family life, this shows up when:
Kids refuse to help unless something is offered
Schoolwork becomes about grades, not learning
Siblings compete for praise rather than collaborate
Children ask, “What do I get if I…?” before acting
None of this means parents are failing. It means we’re parenting inside a system that rewards compliance over connection.
Personal Story: The Sticker Chart That Backfired
When my child was younger, I created a beautifully color-coded sticker chart. Mornings were chaotic, evenings stretched thin, and I needed something to bring order. Every completed task earned a sticker. Five stickers meant a small prize.
At first, it worked. Mornings improved. Bedtime routines moved faster. I felt competent—relieved, even.
Then one afternoon, my child skipped a task and said casually, “It’s okay. I don’t really want the prize anymore.”
What followed surprised me more. The task didn’t get done—not that day, not the next. The chart, once motivating, had replaced the internal reason for helping. When the reward lost its appeal, so did the behavior.
That was my turning point. Living in New York means efficiency often feels essential. But parenting isn’t a productivity system. It’s a relationship. And I had accidentally taught my child that our cooperation depended on incentives—not trust, contribution, or shared responsibility.
Letting go of the chart felt risky. Things got messier before they got better. But slowly, we talked more. I explained why routines mattered. I listened more. And over time, cooperation returned—not perfectly, but more honestly.
Practical Takeaways: Moving Beyond Rewards Without Losing Structure
This book isn’t asking parents to become permissive or hands-off. It’s asking us to parent with intention rather than control. Here are realistic ways to begin:
Replace evaluation with observation
Instead of “Good job cleaning your room,” try “You put all your books back on the shelf.” This keeps the focus on the action, not your approval.Explain the ‘why’ behind expectations
Children are more cooperative when they understand purpose. “We clean up so we can find things later” builds reasoning, not compliance.Invite collaboration
Ask, “How should we handle mornings so we’re less rushed?” Shared problem-solving increases ownership.Notice your own discomfort
Rewards often help us feel in control. When you want to offer one, pause and ask: What am I trying to manage right now—my child’s behavior or my stress?Allow intrinsic motivation to grow slowly
Internal motivation isn’t instant. It develops through trust, autonomy, and meaningful connection.
No child becomes self-motivated overnight. But every small shift away from control moves the relationship forward.
Conclusion: Reframing Motivation as Relationship
Punished by Rewards isn’t anti-parent or anti-structure. It’s pro-relationship. It asks us to reconsider whether our tools align with our long-term goals—not just smoother days, but children who trust themselves, care about others, and engage with the world thoughtfully.
In the next blog, we’ll explore a question many parents ask quietly: If rewards don’t work, why do schools and systems rely on them so heavily—and how can parents navigate that tension without undermining their child or themselves?
