Why Schools Love Rewards (and Why That Makes Parenting Harder)
Introduction
The first time my child came home excited about a “points system,” I felt torn.
On one hand, I understood the intention. The teacher was managing a classroom of more than twenty children, each with different needs, personalities, and home lives. On the other hand, I could already see the shift happening in my own living room. Homework wasn’t about curiosity anymore. Reading wasn’t about enjoyment. It became, “How many points do I get for this?”
As a parent raising a child in New York City—where schools are competitive, time is scarce, and expectations are high—I found myself stuck between two worlds. At home, I was trying to raise a thoughtful, internally motivated child. At school, my child was swimming in charts, stars, levels, and rewards.
This tension isn’t accidental. And according to Punished by Rewards, it’s not harmless either.
Core Content: Why Reward Systems Dominate Schools
If rewards are so problematic, why are they everywhere in schools?
Alfie Kohn argues that reward-based systems thrive not because they work well, but because they are efficient tools for control. In classrooms—especially underfunded, overcrowded, and over-tested U.S. schools—rewards offer something seductive: quick compliance.
Teachers are under immense pressure. Curriculum pacing guides. Standardized tests. Classroom management expectations. When the system demands quiet, order, and measurable outcomes, rewards feel like the only practical option.
But here’s the deeper issue: schools often confuse compliance with learning.
When children are rewarded for sitting still, raising hands, completing worksheets, or earning grades, they learn how to play the game of school. What they don’t necessarily learn is how to think deeply, take intellectual risks, or love learning for its own sake.
Kohn points out that rewards narrow attention. Children become strategic rather than curious. They ask:
“Is this going to be graded?”
“Does this count?”
“What do I need to do to get an A?”
In U.S. school systems—especially urban ones like New York’s—grades and incentives often become currency. They determine placement, access to programs, and even self-worth. Over time, children internalize a dangerous equation: my value equals my performance.
And when parents try to counterbalance this at home, it can feel like swimming upstream.
Personal Story: The Homework Standoff
One evening, after a long commute and an even longer day, my child refused to finish homework. Not because it was hard—but because, as they put it, “It doesn’t matter. I already got my points today.”
I remember standing in our small kitchen, dinner half-cooked, realizing that school rewards had quietly replaced responsibility with calculation. My instinct was to add my own incentive: extra screen time, dessert, something to get us through the night.
Instead, I sat down and asked a question I’d never asked before:
“What part of this feels pointless to you?”
That conversation changed everything. My child talked about repetitive worksheets, about feeling rushed, about missing free time. We didn’t magically solve homework that night. But something shifted. The conversation moved from control to understanding.
Living in New York, parenting often feels like triage. We do what works fast. But that moment reminded me that speed and depth rarely coexist.
Practical Takeaways: Parenting When Schools Use Rewards
You cannot single-handedly dismantle reward-based school systems. But you can protect your child’s internal compass.
Separate school performance from personal worth
Say things like, “Grades tell us what the system measures—not who you are.”Ask reflective questions instead of focusing on outcomes
Try: “What was interesting today?” or “What felt challenging?” rather than “Did you get points?”Avoid stacking rewards on top of school rewards
When parents add incentives for grades, the message becomes louder—and harder to undo.Validate frustration with school systems
You can say, “I know school focuses a lot on rewards. It’s okay to feel conflicted about that.”Model intrinsic motivation at home
Let your child see you read, learn, and help others without rewards attached.
These small shifts help children understand that school is one environment—not the definition of learning or value.
Conclusion: Bridging Home Values and School Reality
One of the hardest parts of modern parenting is raising children with depth in systems designed for efficiency. Rewards make schools run smoothly—but they often make parenting harder.
In the next blog, we’ll dive into a deeply uncomfortable question many parents avoid: Is praise just another reward—and when does “Good job” actually undermine confidence instead of building it?
